The Greatest Social Injustice of the 20th Century

Part 1- The Party

It's a well documented fact that you're always clever after the event. Whenever you're in a conversational sparring match, a round of witticism fencing at a swanky drinks reception (which is the sort of place I hang out now, I'm not showing off) you'll always think of that killer comeback line too late. Usually on the bus home or as you're falling asleep or punching the shower curtain with fury that what you came up with at the time was so cack-handed and clumsy in comparison to the solid gold put down you've only now thought up.

The other week I was at a party held by a friend and the conversation turned to my blog as it inevitably does at parties. This is because I try and fit the words “tedious” and “clown” into any conversation as much as possible until someone has to acknowledge it. I also shout “BLOG” whenever I cough and put the page up on people's iPhones when they go to the toilet. Sometimes I'll arrange the Twiglets and Cheese Straws into quotes of things I've written and then gesture people to the snacks table and ask them to pass me a Twiglet or Cheese Straw.

So we were all having a lovely chat about my blog and laughing and slapping me on the back as usual when this girl that I'd never really met before chimed in,

“Oh you write a blog do you?” she said, stupidly, “I find all that stuff a bit passé these days. What's yours about, not another navel gazing series of self deprecating posts that resemble short stories but aren't quite good enough?”

Now I freely admit my response to this wasn't as shimmering with linguistic panache as perhaps it could have been. I also accept that, despite my remonstrations at the time, my wrist probably didn't undergo a freak muscle spasm and the way my gin and tonic was flung into her stupid trendy face was not without malice. I can also only apologise for the way I knocked the cucumber sandwich our of her hand and I agree you're not really supposed to use the words “Backwards Philistine Fuck wit” at a party with friends. 

However, I said it at the time and I'll say it again as I feel the sentiment still rings true,

“Come on, it's not like I've punched anyone so everyone just get off my case and where are those vol-au-vents that were on that table earlier because they were nice.”

So I apologise again to Lila. I'm also sorry about what happened to your car but that wasn't me; where would I even get a spray can at that time of night in that part of London?

But this whole frustrating incident that ultimately was no-one's fault got me thinking, it can't just be me who always thinks of the perfect thing to say after the event? As I was outside the party having a cigarette and a “long hard look at myself” whatever that means, and also not writing “stupid judgemental hipster twat” on anyone's car I thought of what I should have said.

When she uttered those cruel, vindictive and incorrect words I should have smiled, had a small sip from my drink and then stared into the distance for a moment as though remembering a childhood sweetheart fondly and then finally looked back at her and said,
 

“Well actually madam, I think you'll find you are making a big assumption there, and what happens when you assume? That's right, you make an ass out of you and me. You are also making a generalisation and what happens when you generalise? That's right they are General Lies. And quite frankly m'Lady you are clearly so prone to generalisation and assumption that if it were a wing of the military you probably would be made general and then given the Victoria Cross for services to pre-judging and then be made Field Marshall for bravery in the face of having an open mind about people's blogs. I thank you.”

And then I'd have downed my drink and moonwalked out of the room whilst everyone at the party gave me a heartfelt standing ovation and she felt stupid without having to be covered in gin.

It wasn't until I was drifting off into an angry sleep that night that I remembered another incident in my life where I wish I'd thought of something witty to say. The incident also happens to be the greatest social injustice of the 20^th century.

Yes, including that one.

And I will not rest until it has been rectified. I think there's definitely a sub par Danny Wallace style book in it.

TO BE CONTINUED....