Fifty Shades of Boring Satire

Fifty Shades of Boring Satire

Whatever You Think of Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shames of Earl Grey is Worse

Much like 9/11 or the death of Princess Diana I still remember where I was when I was first made aware of Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. I was at the book shop where I work, checking through the newest delivery of stock, looking for appropriate titles to put in the “Dark Erotic Vampires Fucking One Another” display when I came across it. With cover and art work mischievously similar to E.L James' oeuvre there it was; Fifty Shames of Earl Grey, by Fanny Merkin.

Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. Fifty SHAMES of EARL Grey.

It was like a punch to the gut, a perception shattering blow to the brain. I just started laughing, right there in the stock room like some bloody mad man! My mind had been blown and my preconceptions shattered into tiny idiot pieces on the floor. I had missed the Ben Elton, Alexei Sayle satire boom of the mid 1980s on account of being an unborn sperm at the time. And this was punishing, visceral satire very much in the same vein. Brutal take no quarter literary assassination. Comedy with a brain. Comedy with a heart and balls. And spunk. Comedy with big spunky balls. In a way it was the end of innocence, a rite of passage. I had become a man. As I flicked through the opening pages I was suddenly struck by a thought, “Jesus Christ. I wouldn't want to be E.L James right about now...she can't recover from a calculated barb like this. She is finished...”

Now, unless you've been living under a massive leather dildo that shields you from news for the past few months you'll be aware of literary sensation Fifty Shades of Grey which is a very cleverly marketed bit of erotica aimed at women. It is poorly written and essentially presents itself as the TV soap that everyone is talking about. But with more fisting. It's a bit like the show Lost in that there is very little substance to it but it is compulsive viewing and a staple of water cooler conversation. But with more fisting.

Whilst it isn't true that with every literary action there is an equally strong reaction, there has been a pretty decent kick back against Fifty Shades of Grey, but does there need to be? One of the main critiques of the book is that is that E.L James hasn't produced “real” literature, it's just badly written titillation. She knows.

When people buy the book, they're just buying rubbish. They know.

It is similar to the reaction of “Oh you don't watch the X Factor do you? That music isn't as good as The White Album!” They know. We know. Everyone knows. The point of Fifty Shades of Grey isn't to add to canon of great British Literature, it's to serve as escapist fantasy to unimaginative women.

So whilst there is a point to Fifty Shades of Grey, what is the point of Fifty Shames of Earl Grey? It's one of those books that has “Christmas present for someone you don't know”

written all over it and is sure to be a staple of Charity shop bookcases for years to come. It is set in the same vein as a book that came out a few years ago called something like “Pride and Prejudice...and only bloody zombies as well! You weren't expecting THAT were you?!” Or the achingly unfunny “Twishite, New Moan”. Books that are carefully displayed by the counter at HMV, so if someone is feeling a little bit tired and sad they might think “oh that's quite funny,” buy it, get it home and never read it. 

Or start reading it, get 8 pages in and think “Oh. It's just the one joke: Imagine if there were zombies in Pride and Prejudice? Well then. Be a bit weird wouldn't it!...Pfffft, well there's 124 pages more of this...um...Mr Darcy would like brains if he were a zombie wouldn't he? That'd be...that'd be not in keeping with what he's like in the original text. Pfft...look do you still have the receipt for this or not?

If Fifty Shades of Grey was cynically marketed (which it was) then it is nothing compared to cash in parody books. If, as some seem to genuinely claim, novels such as Fifty Shades are killing literature, then Fifty Shames is bursting into the funeral wearing a party hat saying “zany parody!” on it and fucking the corpse for cheap laughs while grieving relatives throw coins in delight. And you might think that it's not the same thing at all. But it is.

Also for the record there is also a parody title called “Game of Groans” but that is simply not good enough to require criticism.