The Greatest Moments on Earth!

Apparently, right, the world is finite?

All human life is finite and will end?

 Did you fucking know about this?

I know right, why weren't we told? It's important! They should have taught it to us at school in double science or whatever that “citizenship” stuff was. *DISCLAIMER* If they did teach it to us in science or citizenship then obviously I missed that class. I was probably having my BCG injection or was round the back of the bike sheds smoking fags and snogging all the pretty girls. Or exploiting weakness in the other kids.

That or I was in the class and just wasn’t listening for various cool reasons (see smoking, kissing, and exploitation). *DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER* If you went to school with me and have quite a different memory of what I was like, I did do all those things, just whenever I did them you were somewhere else doing P.E or detention or something.

So yeah, the world is going to end. 

The sun is finite and one day the Earth will just fuck off. This is a bit of a downer for a few reasons but mostly I think because it's a reminder that no matter what you achieve in your life eventually it will be reduced to nothing. Even if you become Europe’s friendliest King or invent the world’s most hilarious, life affirming meme, eventually all recognition and memory of your life will have boiled away to nothing like so much stupid water.

However due to the cool time I had at school I am an optimist, and I have thought of a positive spin.

Just imagine that in a far distant Universe there is a super intelligent alien race, brilliant and advanced in every way, and they've been watching us and they think we’re brilliant. Like how otherwise intelligent people on Earth sometimes watch Coronation Street, this alien race finds us endlessly fascinating despite the asinine nature of everything we do. Again, just like in the Coronation Street analogy.

They absolutely love us, they think we’re great, and then, at the moment of  the Earth’s annihilation, this race of hyper intelligent super beings will produce a Channel 4 style rundown of Earth’s greatest moments, hosted by the alien equivalent of Jimmy Carr.

Because Earth has a massive audience on the planet Farawayia. Sure the early seasons were 

a bit shit, all that tedious bollocks with a primordial stew, but if you stuck with it then eventually it got good. Alien Jimmy Carr is usually a gag man/alien but by the end of the roller coaster ride that is “The Greatest Moments on Earth!”  retrospective he’ll be wiping away a tear. The end credits will roll slowly with old style sitcom music and every single organism on Earth getting a chance to wave goodbye and pull a funny pretend sad face as the studio audience clap their hands/suction tendrils and holler their appreciation with their mouths/suction jaws.

These shows seem to last forever on Earth, so I reckon in alien time there will be ample space to discuss literally every human that has ever lived in great detail. Doesn't that cheer you up? An alien Lauren Laverne reminiscing about her favourite “you” moments? The impact you had, however small, on the overall narrative of the planet Earth? Your best sex scenes and funniest lines.  Sure there’ll be some lesser pundits contributing to the show, but former alien reality TV contestants will be given the “early” slots to talk about.  After the Big Bang but before all that cool shit with the dinosaurs.

People, by and large, are sorry that they have to die. It’s a bummer. But I think I would genuinely be a lot happier about the horrible knowledge that one day I was pass, cold and alone, if I knew that somewhere out there an entire species were looking back on my life and applauding. That probably tells you more about me as a person than I would care for you to know, but I am comforted by the fact that in the distant future, alien Huey from the alien Fun Lovin’ Criminals is discussing the blog tedious clown and saying how it was very prescient, if a bit derivative of other things.

Nice Boys First XI

Football.  We’ve all seen it. At Wembley Stadium, on the telly in the pub, at the end of the news. It would be pointless to deny it. Frank Lampard. He’s one. Rio Ferdinand. He’s another one. It’s the most popular sport in the country, brings people together and fills up 90 minutes of the day that would otherwise have nothing in them (plus stoppage time and the bit in the middle where the players go off the field for a bit).

Football however has had its fair share of problems recently. It seems to be constantly embroiled in allegations of racism from fans, players and officials and is marred by idiotic statements made by its proponents on Twitter.

After the endless communal spunk fest of inspiration and pride that was the Olympics football has even started to be seen as the “bad guy” of sports. The arrogant, anti social old dictator drunk off power and Carlsberg, worshiped by fools and bathing in the millions of pounds offered up to it by evil television corporations.

However I think I've found the solution to football’s PR nightmare. It’s the answer everyone’s been waiting for, that’s right...

A man who knows very little about football has written a blog picking his all time first 11 of players that he reckons are probably nice guys in real life based on gut instinct!

That’s right motherfuckers. Let’s turn this wave of negative public opinion around!

My intention with this blog is to be welcomed into the football fraternity and get a regular spot as a panellist on the popular “Football review weekly” show on the BBC alongside Alan Hanson, George Lineker, Graham Goalposts, Lil’  Monty, The Count, Lord Controversy, Deepak Chopra,  Ron Corner-flag and Alan Davies.

The Team 

Goalkeeper

Pat Jennings:

A lot of goalkeepers  or “goalies” are quite smug and arrogant about the fact they’re allowed to pick up the ball with their hands when, if any other player does it, the referee tells them they have to get off the pitch and go home. Not Pat Jennings. Once during a training session a member of the youth team was visibly upset by the unjustness of this system but Pat went over and reassured him that he was so good at kicking the ball with his feet and sometimes head and chest that he didn’t need to pick it up. The player was immediately cheered up, and that little boy, who nobody liked, went on to be Michael Owen (citation needed)

Defenders

Stephen Carr:

He came into the bookshop where I work once and bought two volumes of Usborne Children’s bible stories (presumably for a child) and was really nice and friendly and polite even though because I was in two minds about whether to ask him for an autograph I didn’t enter the BOGOHP offer and had to void the transaction and start again which must have been frustrating but he never even mentioned it.

Graeme Le Saux:

 A nice educated man who reads the Guardian, plus he stood up to stupid Northern fuckwit Robbie Fowler when he mimed that he was a bummer on the pitch. Truly the Peter Tatchell of the football world.

Chris Hughton:

Used to be proper left wing in his youth as I think I remember Brian Clough was in that film with that Welsh bloke in. But Brian Clough always seemed like a bit of a nob and his one liners weren’t as good as he thought they were. For example “I wouldn’t say I’m the best manager in the business but I am in the top one.” Quite good, But it isn’t exactly Tim Vine is it? I’ve just realised this has mostly been about Brian Clough. Chris Hughton seems like a nice cheeky cockney and has a nice face.

Roberto Carlos:

Aside from football, my biggest passion in the world is videogames. The last one I really enjoyed was Pro Evolution Soccer 3 and on it whenever Roberto Carlos took a free kick his run up was about a third of the pitch. Why would Konami have included this detail if he wasn’t a nice guy?

Midfielders

Owen Hargreaves:  

I saw him play for England in a world cup one time and he was really good at being in midfield and then he signed for Man United and got injured and that always seemed like a shame to me. Also at one stage of his career he looked a bit like Orlando Bloom and it is fun to imagine Owen Hargreaves being in Pirates of the Caribbean or Captain Jack Sparrow playing for England.

Jonás Gutiérrez (Captain):

Again I first spotted this talent during the world cup. Whilst in the tunnel waiting to come on most of the Argentine players appeared nervous, steely eyed with determination, staring intently at the pitch and focussing on the task in hand. Not Jonas. Jonas was dicking about with one of the small children that accompany the players, pulling silly faces, making funny noises and generally twatting around.  He also sometimes celebrates goals by wearing a Spiderman mask.

Paul Scholes:

Looks like the kind of guy who, if he had a party and you were his neighbour would say “oh we’re having a party, it won’t be too noisy and if you want to pop round for a beer and some snacks then feel free,” and actually mean it.

Gianfranco Zola:

Short and smiley.  Very much the Rob Brydon of Attacking Midfielders.

Forwards

Matt Le Tissier:

The main reason behind a lot of my selection decisions is that the player seems like a regular, down to Earth guy. Matt Le Tisier seems like such a regular, down to Earth guy that it almost felt like he was just some bloke who managed to trick his way into the Southampton first team as a drunken bet after too many real ales and curries.  And he was such a good method actor he became really good at football.  I’m going to use this is an idea for a fun British comedy and this is the reason behind his selection.

Jürgen Klinsmann:

 What’s this? A German in the Nice Boys XI, surely not? Well actually German people can be just as friendly as anyone else so check in your own prejudices you stupid bigot.

That’s my team! If anyone can think of any other nice footballers who deserve to make the cut then please let me know.

See you on the BBC Alan Shearer!