The Greatest Moments on Earth!

Apparently, right, the world is finite?

All human life is finite and will end?

 Did you fucking know about this?

I know right, why weren't we told? It's important! They should have taught it to us at school in double science or whatever that “citizenship” stuff was. *DISCLAIMER* If they did teach it to us in science or citizenship then obviously I missed that class. I was probably having my BCG injection or was round the back of the bike sheds smoking fags and snogging all the pretty girls. Or exploiting weakness in the other kids.

That or I was in the class and just wasn’t listening for various cool reasons (see smoking, kissing, and exploitation). *DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER* If you went to school with me and have quite a different memory of what I was like, I did do all those things, just whenever I did them you were somewhere else doing P.E or detention or something.

So yeah, the world is going to end. 

The sun is finite and one day the Earth will just fuck off. This is a bit of a downer for a few reasons but mostly I think because it's a reminder that no matter what you achieve in your life eventually it will be reduced to nothing. Even if you become Europe’s friendliest King or invent the world’s most hilarious, life affirming meme, eventually all recognition and memory of your life will have boiled away to nothing like so much stupid water.

However due to the cool time I had at school I am an optimist, and I have thought of a positive spin.

Just imagine that in a far distant Universe there is a super intelligent alien race, brilliant and advanced in every way, and they've been watching us and they think we’re brilliant. Like how otherwise intelligent people on Earth sometimes watch Coronation Street, this alien race finds us endlessly fascinating despite the asinine nature of everything we do. Again, just like in the Coronation Street analogy.

They absolutely love us, they think we’re great, and then, at the moment of  the Earth’s annihilation, this race of hyper intelligent super beings will produce a Channel 4 style rundown of Earth’s greatest moments, hosted by the alien equivalent of Jimmy Carr.

Because Earth has a massive audience on the planet Farawayia. Sure the early seasons were 

a bit shit, all that tedious bollocks with a primordial stew, but if you stuck with it then eventually it got good. Alien Jimmy Carr is usually a gag man/alien but by the end of the roller coaster ride that is “The Greatest Moments on Earth!”  retrospective he’ll be wiping away a tear. The end credits will roll slowly with old style sitcom music and every single organism on Earth getting a chance to wave goodbye and pull a funny pretend sad face as the studio audience clap their hands/suction tendrils and holler their appreciation with their mouths/suction jaws.

These shows seem to last forever on Earth, so I reckon in alien time there will be ample space to discuss literally every human that has ever lived in great detail. Doesn't that cheer you up? An alien Lauren Laverne reminiscing about her favourite “you” moments? The impact you had, however small, on the overall narrative of the planet Earth? Your best sex scenes and funniest lines.  Sure there’ll be some lesser pundits contributing to the show, but former alien reality TV contestants will be given the “early” slots to talk about.  After the Big Bang but before all that cool shit with the dinosaurs.

People, by and large, are sorry that they have to die. It’s a bummer. But I think I would genuinely be a lot happier about the horrible knowledge that one day I was pass, cold and alone, if I knew that somewhere out there an entire species were looking back on my life and applauding. That probably tells you more about me as a person than I would care for you to know, but I am comforted by the fact that in the distant future, alien Huey from the alien Fun Lovin’ Criminals is discussing the blog tedious clown and saying how it was very prescient, if a bit derivative of other things.