Nice Boys First XI

Football.  We’ve all seen it. At Wembley Stadium, on the telly in the pub, at the end of the news. It would be pointless to deny it. Frank Lampard. He’s one. Rio Ferdinand. He’s another one. It’s the most popular sport in the country, brings people together and fills up 90 minutes of the day that would otherwise have nothing in them (plus stoppage time and the bit in the middle where the players go off the field for a bit).

Football however has had its fair share of problems recently. It seems to be constantly embroiled in allegations of racism from fans, players and officials and is marred by idiotic statements made by its proponents on Twitter.

After the endless communal spunk fest of inspiration and pride that was the Olympics football has even started to be seen as the “bad guy” of sports. The arrogant, anti social old dictator drunk off power and Carlsberg, worshiped by fools and bathing in the millions of pounds offered up to it by evil television corporations.

However I think I've found the solution to football’s PR nightmare. It’s the answer everyone’s been waiting for, that’s right...

A man who knows very little about football has written a blog picking his all time first 11 of players that he reckons are probably nice guys in real life based on gut instinct!

That’s right motherfuckers. Let’s turn this wave of negative public opinion around!

My intention with this blog is to be welcomed into the football fraternity and get a regular spot as a panellist on the popular “Football review weekly” show on the BBC alongside Alan Hanson, George Lineker, Graham Goalposts, Lil’  Monty, The Count, Lord Controversy, Deepak Chopra,  Ron Corner-flag and Alan Davies.

The Team 

Goalkeeper

Pat Jennings:

A lot of goalkeepers  or “goalies” are quite smug and arrogant about the fact they’re allowed to pick up the ball with their hands when, if any other player does it, the referee tells them they have to get off the pitch and go home. Not Pat Jennings. Once during a training session a member of the youth team was visibly upset by the unjustness of this system but Pat went over and reassured him that he was so good at kicking the ball with his feet and sometimes head and chest that he didn’t need to pick it up. The player was immediately cheered up, and that little boy, who nobody liked, went on to be Michael Owen (citation needed)

Defenders

Stephen Carr:

He came into the bookshop where I work once and bought two volumes of Usborne Children’s bible stories (presumably for a child) and was really nice and friendly and polite even though because I was in two minds about whether to ask him for an autograph I didn’t enter the BOGOHP offer and had to void the transaction and start again which must have been frustrating but he never even mentioned it.

Graeme Le Saux:

 A nice educated man who reads the Guardian, plus he stood up to stupid Northern fuckwit Robbie Fowler when he mimed that he was a bummer on the pitch. Truly the Peter Tatchell of the football world.

Chris Hughton:

Used to be proper left wing in his youth as I think I remember Brian Clough was in that film with that Welsh bloke in. But Brian Clough always seemed like a bit of a nob and his one liners weren’t as good as he thought they were. For example “I wouldn’t say I’m the best manager in the business but I am in the top one.” Quite good, But it isn’t exactly Tim Vine is it? I’ve just realised this has mostly been about Brian Clough. Chris Hughton seems like a nice cheeky cockney and has a nice face.

Roberto Carlos:

Aside from football, my biggest passion in the world is videogames. The last one I really enjoyed was Pro Evolution Soccer 3 and on it whenever Roberto Carlos took a free kick his run up was about a third of the pitch. Why would Konami have included this detail if he wasn’t a nice guy?

Midfielders

Owen Hargreaves:  

I saw him play for England in a world cup one time and he was really good at being in midfield and then he signed for Man United and got injured and that always seemed like a shame to me. Also at one stage of his career he looked a bit like Orlando Bloom and it is fun to imagine Owen Hargreaves being in Pirates of the Caribbean or Captain Jack Sparrow playing for England.

Jonás Gutiérrez (Captain):

Again I first spotted this talent during the world cup. Whilst in the tunnel waiting to come on most of the Argentine players appeared nervous, steely eyed with determination, staring intently at the pitch and focussing on the task in hand. Not Jonas. Jonas was dicking about with one of the small children that accompany the players, pulling silly faces, making funny noises and generally twatting around.  He also sometimes celebrates goals by wearing a Spiderman mask.

Paul Scholes:

Looks like the kind of guy who, if he had a party and you were his neighbour would say “oh we’re having a party, it won’t be too noisy and if you want to pop round for a beer and some snacks then feel free,” and actually mean it.

Gianfranco Zola:

Short and smiley.  Very much the Rob Brydon of Attacking Midfielders.

Forwards

Matt Le Tissier:

The main reason behind a lot of my selection decisions is that the player seems like a regular, down to Earth guy. Matt Le Tisier seems like such a regular, down to Earth guy that it almost felt like he was just some bloke who managed to trick his way into the Southampton first team as a drunken bet after too many real ales and curries.  And he was such a good method actor he became really good at football.  I’m going to use this is an idea for a fun British comedy and this is the reason behind his selection.

Jürgen Klinsmann:

 What’s this? A German in the Nice Boys XI, surely not? Well actually German people can be just as friendly as anyone else so check in your own prejudices you stupid bigot.

That’s my team! If anyone can think of any other nice footballers who deserve to make the cut then please let me know.

See you on the BBC Alan Shearer!